I realize I’ve not said a whole hell of a lot since returning. I’m still struggling with whether or not I have anything of value to share.

My upbringing was strict. I’m of the ‘seen and not heard,’ ‘do not speak unless spoken to,’ ‘if you can’t say something nice,’ generation. I’m forty years old and still struggle with being the one to begin the conversation. That said, if you get me going, prepare to stay awhile, because it is like opening the flood gates.

I firmly believe it’s why I write. As a teen, I began writing in journals, privately, because it was the only way for me to purge those things I wasn’t permitted to express. Those volumes were dark. Filled with thoughts and feelings that shamed me because they couldn’t be stated to the world. Each time I filled one, I would burn it. It was an exorcism, and a way to protect the truth. The truth of me. It’s how I hid my true self.

My best friend asked me to do some self-love challenges with her at the start of the year. I tried. But I found I had the same reaction she did, in that the exploration only started exhuming things I don’t want to look at. Does this make me weak? There is a reason we bury. I don’t think it’s cowardly so much as the only way to lay it to rest and move forward.

I’m back. I am trying to be back. I’m trying to write, and it’s coming, slowly but surely. Life is interfering, and the things I’m having to recall, examine, forgive regarding my childhood, and in fact my life up to this point as my father’s health continues to decline, on some days those things push me back.

That I’m here means I’m fighting. Fighting to be in the present, for the present; fighting to not dread the future.

I thank each of you, my lovely readers, supporters, friends, for remaining supportive, for being patient, for offering kind words. I find joy in interacting here. And if I owe you an apology for my absence, you certainly have it.

Now, on with the filth!

Love,

Feli

23 thoughts on “Shackled

  1. No apology necessary. We have no right to expect you to provide entertainment for us when life is being unkind to you. Entertain us when you feel up to it, not because you feel you have to.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I’m happy to see more of you. If blogging brings you joy, then I hope you will share what you want whenever you want. But you don’t owe anything to anyone so there is no need to apologize. I hope things get easier for you soon. *hugs*

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I wish you well my friend. Just do whatever makes you happy, especially if it helps and brings you peace. No apologies or explanations needed to anyone but the person you see in the mirror.
    Take care of yourself 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Felicity,
    I can so relate to these words. I am so terribly sorry for your pain. But, you are right. You are a fighter. Fight on. It is you who matters. The ones who love you know that.
    xxx -CC

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I always appreciate your posts for what they are, an expression of you and with that comes respect for being brave and true to yourself. Its never for the entertainment of others, mostly its about how others can relate. If they can’t, so what. Live free to be you and I hope you find answers that will enlighten your heart. Blessings Felicity

    Antonyx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Antony. Such a thoughtful and encouraging comment. I can say I feel the same about the poetry you share; in addition to feeling I can identify with many of your words. Hugs for you.

      Liked by 1 person

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