The Voice

I have a voice in my head. For a long time, I thought I had many voices in my head, but it turned out those guys were inventions of my over-active imagination. Turned out, I have one voice in my head, but the problem is, she’s a bit of a schizo.

A malady of a creative mind? Or a dose of pure crazy?

Sometimes I look back over my life and wonder if I’d be a different person had this happened instead of that, or if I’d reacted differently there; it’s not reflection so much as an IRS style audit. (Um, excuse me, do you have a receipt for this? It says here you gave a bum $50, but without proof, we’ll replace it with the time you ran over that dog…) My problem is also that that Schizo isn’t a kind person. Fortunately, she gets filtered out before she hits the airwaves, so no one really knows the voice is there until you get to know me well. This means I can be one person to others, and a completely different brand of bitch to myself.

She whispers things like, you’re not good enough, if you cared you’d have acted differently and people would like you, you’re fat, you’re ugly, you’re a social retard. You couldn’t write if your ass was on fire. If you eat that entire chocolate bar, you will love yourself again.

The voice almost ruined my life a few times. Until I began to slowly surround myself with people who contradicted it, instead of hanging out with those who affirmed it. Will the voice ever change? Or leave? Doubtful. She has a flip side. She also allows me a different perspective, becomes a tool in the creation and development of characters. I can see both sides of things.

I’m learning, finally, to use her for good. She still slips in those jabs now and then, slides her blade beneath the ribs; but I’m taking Jiu Jitsu. And invested in some Kevlar. She’ll never be a Positive Polly. However, a roll of duct tape and a pen can work wonders.

15 thoughts on “The Voice

  1. Oh, Felicity, I think most great writers constantly lives with that little voice in the back of their heads telling them they are good enough in whatever way. I’ve dealt with my bitchy little voice for years. She’s always there in the background contradicting any good criticism. Learning to put her in her place or use her for good is the best way to deal, because I’m with you, she’s not leaving. She’s too deeply imbedded. But when your little voice gets out of control, remember, we all love you and we know that you are an amazing, beautiful, insightful woman with a brilliant, awesome, and inspiring mind!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sometimes I wonder if there are people who walk around without this voice. Are there people who actually don’t experience all the self-doubt and endless what ifs? Do they not worry or feel anxious and guilty over almost anything? It sounds kind of amazing. I wonder why things are so different with some people. Is it upbringing, introversion, mental issues? Obviously, I don’t know. But you are beautiful and smart and lovely and talented. I’m glad you can use that voice for something productive. If she starts to give you shit, let me know and I’ll help you kick the crap outta her! I took Aikido! 😛

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have wondered this too! I suppose I’ve assumed everyone has it, it’s just maybe some are more psycho than others 😉

      Aw, thank you sweetie! I will definitely call on you when needed then 😉 And you can count on me, too 🙂 Hugs!

      Liked by 1 person

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