Crisis

Yes, I’m having one. A crisis of… genre?

I’ve been writing for a long time. A quarter of a century, give or take. I don’t feel like I’ve been here long enough to make that claim, but that’s how life slips up, and slips away on you. And I never wrote for anyone but me. Till now.

Until I was forced into a genre, a brand. Branding yourself is as painful as it sounds. For a rural-raised farm girl like myself, it conjures images of bull calves being driven into chutes, clamped into head-gates, and having that red hot iron pushed into their hip. I would surmise it isn’t as painful as the castration and de-horning that goes along with it, but what does the calf know? It’s all the same. Entrapment, pain, and I’d also reckon he’s pretty sore afterward, too.

So the branding we’re talking about isn’t as painful as all that. It’s more like… wearing a shoe that’s a size to small. Or, ladies, a bra that pinches and binds and crawls up your back all day. Yes, we can live with it. Makes us a bit cranky though, and we take that deep breath when it comes off and we’re freed the irritation. It’s kind of like that.

When I began writing and I wrote for me, it was an exorcism. A way to deal with things I had no control over or power to change. Frustrations, peeves, fights with parents and siblings, and the desperation every living person experiences at that stage of physical and sexual development. But what I wrote then was not erotica. It was very often erotic. But it was more than that. Look at Dominoes, The Demon Matiste, Euphoria, Of Life and Death, Ollie… all stories and poems written back in those days. I wrote for the joy of expressing myself.

I find eroticism in many things. To some degree in everything. In the words themselves. Watch the way they fit together, they dove-tail, they flow and fight and tell the story. One of the most erotic things I’ve ever heard is a line from Born to Run, from the Jersey poet himself. He said, “Come on, Wendy, I want to be your friend, I want to guard your dreams and visions, Wrap your legs ‘round these velvet rims and strap your hands ‘cross my engines…” Wow. Even at 15 that made me stop and wonder. Just the beauty of the imagery, the power of the choice of words. I hear it now and it still physically excites me.

So, Felicity, you ask. What is this crisis of which you speak?

I think I’ve lost my way. I’ve wandered off the path. The brand I’ve become, while it is okay, and even good for what it is, is not all I am. It’s an identity crisis. And the tragic part of it is, it’s taking so much of my creative energy to write for the genre that I’m losing the sensibility of voice I once had. In my quest for eroticism, I’ve lost the eroticism. A conundrum, a paradox, and a tragedy rolled into a single neat little package. Put a ribbon on it.

There’s good news, though. A friend challenged me to sit down and write a first draft. He said, “It will probably suck. That’s okay. And maybe no one but you will see it, and that’s okay.” I looked at him like he’d grown a second head. Fortunately, he didn’t know this because we were chatting on screen, but I did. But then I started doing it. And Stella (a working title) is on her way to being born.

The most important part of this first draft though is not in the doing, but in the re-discovery of that old voice. It’s still in there. It isn’t lost. And I don’t know what will happen with Stella, whether it will ever see the light of day, but it will forever be the thing that brought me back.

I hope.

Don’t look for any big changes around here. I will still provide those erection-inducing, clit-tickling smut-nuggets. Hey, it’s the least I can do. Just know that’s not all I am. I’ve got a whole bag of tricks. And if you play nice, I might show them to you.

Love,
Felicity

21 thoughts on “Crisis

  1. We all reach points when we want to step out of boundaries we set for ourselves. I say change your center point as often as you like. Be fluid. Thanks for liking my post on the sacral chakra. Cheers.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It must be contagious as I have just had this same malady!

    I decided to do a refresh of the way my blog looks and am determined to write from my heart going forward and not create contrived scenes.

    I so like Christine’s comment and advice above.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You were Born To Run in the direction your heart and voice takes you. Being in the gates isn’t a healthy place to be. I’ve found through blogging and writing anything and everything that comes to mind, exploring every possible genre and topic that I have actually found my author’s voice. Write and write and write. When you think you’ve got it right, write some more. Then rewrite that. Great writers find a following. Even if you were to post content here that was different, great writing is great writing. That’s what people want. Erotica has to be well written for people to connect to it and like it. Bumping uglies on a page doesn’t mean someone will love it. Write and write again.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Ron! And thank you for the challenge. 🙂 It’s acted as a catalyst, I think; prompted me to re-examine my direction.

      The writing, writing and writing some more is the easy part. It’s something I’ve always done, and when I wasn’t doing it, I was thinking about it, or missing it. A constant companion whether I liked it or not!

      I hope I grow into that great writer, and I hope that following finds me. I hope those reading today stick it out with me. But even if it doesn’t, it will be okay, because I’ll be doing what I love, with honesty.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Well, I’m here cheering you on. You have beautiful words inside you, whether they are meant to excite the body or the mind- or both, you’re that good- I want to read them! I can relate to this, not in specifics, but in feeling. I’m glad you’re going for what you love and what you want to do. Feels good, right? Even if it’s a little bit scary. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Great post Felicity, never should we forget who we are, surly not for the petty things of this world. Not for branding, as you called it.

    I just read the other day in a book from Osho. He says crisis in Chinese is made out of the two ideograms, one meaning danger and the other means opportunity. Now, this is Osho, so I never know how true that is but it doesn’t matter, the idea is there and I think it is beautiful.

    So enjoy the crisis. It’s in your hands. If you react to it relaying on the past it might be danger, but if you walk into it with empty heart it is a great opportunity.

    Liked by 1 person

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