Our post a day month is winding to a close, and I am struggling with these last few days. I want to send out congrats to all you other bloggers who participated and succeeded. It’s not as easy as it looks!
With it being a holiday week here Stateside, it’s been a lot to work in writing. And I think my problem is partly one of burn out, and partly of being in a difficult emotional space. I have my ‘writing’ space, which is a dark space. It isn’t so dark that you need a flashlight, though. Just dark enough that the ghosts aren’t afraid to come out, that those fantasies and desires that hide in the tunnels come out to play in the shadows. It can be a hard place to live for extended periods of time. I’ve forced myself to stay in it longer than usual this time, in my attempt to realize my vision for this blog. And the downside of tapping into it is that I start to lose my foothold. It’s too easy to take those external things that happen every day and allow it all to push you too deep. And sometimes it seems there’s no way out.
As I slip ever downward within my own worlds, I put on my mask, the one that protects those I love from the things I sometimes see. The deeper you go, you find the monsters have teeth. And if you go deep enough, the words stop altogether. There is only a depth of feeling that seems to have nothing with which to describe it. When the words stop, I’m lost. I’m lost to myself. And too often, I’m lost to everyone else.
This is my therapy. This is how I feel my way along the walls and start the climb back up.
There have been many factors that contributed to this trip into the cave. Hormonal imbalance, seasonal affective disorder, bad memories that plague me around the holidays. And probably, most of all, my own dark thoughts, the ones I need to do what I do here. So I can’t kick them to the curb. I can’t put them aside, or I have to stop writing. And that brings on a different sadness, leaves an empty space in the center of me.
But I may need a little break, when November waves goodbye and disappears around the corner, I may need to take some time to re-gain my perspective. So material may be lighter, both in content and frequency. I hope those who have gotten to know me will understand.
What I put into my writing is myself. If you’ve taken the time out of your day to read and enjoy my work, then that’s what you deserve, and that’s what I’ll continue to deliver.